I went and did something I had never done before. It was something I had secretly wanted to do and never vocalized to anyone that I was interested in. This was exciting!

Through an unexected series of events, this incredible and unique opportunity fell into my lap. It seemed like a miracle from the universe for this to be happening and that I got to try something new. Reinforcing that wishes do come true.

I was excited about it and looking forward to it…

It was a complete disaster.

I made a total fool of myself in front of so many people and embarrassed myself in front of my new husband. I think one of the worst parts was feeling like he was embarrassed by me. I felt like I looked stupid and did a horrible job. What a yucky horrible feeling.

I am not one who does well with failure.

I would rather keep myself safe than risk making a fool of myself or of failing. I don’t think this is a positive trait but it is something I know and would like to change about myself.

I was very upset with how I did. I know in hindsight there were many things I could have done differently. I am trying to let it go.

In the grand scheme of things nothing has changed. Those who loved me and knew me before, still love me now. No permanent damage done. Who cares that I failed? (Unfortunately, I do.)

I think because it is something I wanted so much and was so excited about, it felt that much worse.

I can make excuses…I had never done this before…It was not as planned…blah blah blah but I am still amazed at how upset I was that I had done so poorly.

On the positive side, I had some fun and got to try something new. I am proud of myself for going outside my comfort zone and trying it.

I need to remember “Nothing ventured nothing gained.”

I am trying to learn the lesson of letting go of my embarrassment and still be willing to fail which is a very important lesson for me.

I hope someday I will be able to laugh at what happened.

For now I am still trying to figure out why is doing well (being perfect) so important to me?
What am I afraid of?

P.S. This took place a while ago but it has taken me this long to finally digest and process and be able to write about it and yes, I am purposely keeping the specifics vague.